Life Partner or Single: is a New Chapter Unfolding?

The Evolution of Relationships

As the sun sets in a golden hue, two swans represent everlasting love, prompting the question of whether such dedication is destined for everyone (image FvI).

Many of us still consider getting married as the way to go in life, and sure, having a partner is important to many. But these days, more people are totally happy flying solo. Is a new story unfolding? Let's dive into some different perspectives.

It's in the music we hear. It's in the movies we watch. It's in the conversations we have. It's hidden all around us: the message that finding love and a life partner is the path we're meant to take in life. No matter how progressive we consider ourselves, and how many different perspectives emerge around us, most of us only feel truly fulfilled when we have a partner, and a bit of a failure when we don't. After all, it's what makes us happy. After all, it's what we, as humans, have evolved for. It just feels safer that way. Right?

Common Cultural Scripts

There are many conventional perspectives on selecting a life partner or remaining single. For example, the idea that we should feel lonely if we go through life without a significant other, or that marriage is always advantageous for us.

In 2016, one writer referred to such perspectives on love and choosing a life partner as "common cultural scripts" in The Cut. The writer noted, "Social science has reinforced [these scripts] a bit by telling us over and over that getting married does, in fact, bring various benefits to one's level of happiness and life satisfaction. Marriage is good for you; we hear over and over and over."

Bella DePaulo, a social scientist with a PhD from Harvard, also discussed the "mythology of marriage" in 2018 on CNN. She described it as a phenomenon that has been "bolstered by the writings of social scientists" for a long time.

Nicola Slawson, a UK journalist, expressed her frustration with the outdated message by telling The Guardian newspaper in 2019 that content targeted at women often carries a condescending and negative tone, focusing on "what to do with your partner, or how to get a partner if you don't have one." This prompted her to start The Single Supplement, a newsletter for single women.

"Marriage is good for you; we hear over and over and over."

Life Partner Or Single?

Most of us run through these scripts in our minds about choosing a life partner or being single. But there are other perspectives, and they're not even that new.

"Only a small number of people who are living alone are actually isolated or lonely," wrote Eric Klinenberg in Smithsonian back in 2012, challenging this misconception while discussing his research for his book. Klinenberg, the author of Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, added: "Many people living on their own have richer lives than other adults. Living alone can help foster a kind of restorative solitude, a solitude that can be productive."

We can also consider the perspective of Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a relationship and workplace psychologist based in New York City. In 2018, she discussed the subject with Time Magazine. She offered readers an alternative viewpoint to the conventional wisdom from another angle, pointing out potential downsides of having a life partner, such as when she remarked: "We tend to sometimes rely on our partners for a lot more than what we need to."

In 2019, another author offered a different viewpoint in an article called The Surprising Benefits of Being Single, published on Oprah Daily. She stated: "When you're not legally bound to another person, you have the freedom to learn. You can grow and explore without the guilt of spending time on self-care."

She added: "Many people fall into the trap of listening to what society or others think is best for them rather than listening to themselves when it comes to making this choice."

"Only a small number of people who are living alone are actually isolated or lonely. Many people living on their own have richer lives than other adults."

Enjoying a peaceful morning, savouring the solitude with a good read by the window (image Wix).

What About The Science

What about the scientific assertions, such as those proposing that marriage is beneficial to us? There's a wealth of information on this perspective. Nonetheless, some experts have examined it from various other angles.

Consider Paul Dolan, a Behavioural Scientist from the London School of Economics. During his research for his book Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myths of the Perfect Life, he uncovered new insights, as he shared with the New York Post in 2019. He stated that when he analysed data from the American Time Use Survey (ATUS), he discovered that "married people said they were happier overall...but only when their partner was within earshot."

He also highlighted that current evidence shows never-married women are among the healthiest and happiest groups. This contrasts with the long-held scientific view that marriage is beneficial for us.

"Although the narrative is that single people are miserable, there is evidence to the contrary," Dolan also told Perspective Living recently. "This includes that single women live longer. And that never-married women have, by definition, not experienced any unhappiness from marital divorce or separation during their lifetimes."

"Married people said they were happier overall...but only when their partner was within earshot."

Self Fulfilling

In the previously mentioned article from The Cut, the author observed that when Americans are asked about the main difference between single and married people, they often say that singles are "a little lonelier, a little sadder," and "somewhat lacking in life purpose and fulfillment."

That our perception of being single often doesn't always match reality, was shown in the study Stereotypes of singles: Are Singles What We Think?. It revealed that we generally perceive single individuals, including ourselves when we are single, more negatively compared to those who are in relationships, in terms of personality traits, well-being, and relationship satisfaction.

You could say it is particularly women that suffer such single stereotypes. Although a single, child-free lifestyle can be advantageous for women, Dolan mentioned to The Guardian that the prevailing belief equating marriage and children with success could cause some single women to feel unhappy due to societal stigma.

"Despite the fact that never getting married may be better for women overall, there are still stigmas associated with never tying the knot, Dolan explained. "You see a single woman of 40," he continued", who has never had children — ‘Bless, that’s a shame, isn’t it? Maybe one day you’ll meet the right guy and that’ll change.’"

"Despite the fact that never getting married may be better for women overall, there are still stigmas associated with never tying the knot."

I'm Just Not That Into You

In 2013, an author writing for Smithsonian noted that "one of the most unprecedented trends of modern society" was "the number of people who choose to live alone."

In 2016, the author of the previously mentioned article in The Cut noted, "Single people are getting harder and harder to ignore." She added, "People, on the whole, seem less into marriage than they used to be. At a time when it's easier than ever before to learn about the purported benefits of getting married…more and more people are building solo lives for themselves that would have been viewed as wildly unorthodox in the fairly recent past."

In 2019, DePaulo wrote in an article in Psychology Today: "All around the world, marriage is in decline and single living is on the rise."

Of course loneliness is never good, but do we have to feel lonely when we're doing life alone? According to the author of the aforementioned article in The Guardian, there are an "increasing number of single-positive" people who are "rejecting the notion that true love is the only path to happiness."

Into The Sunset

Despite persistent negative stereotypes about being single, an increasing number of individuals are choosing to stay single. They might discuss a problem with a friend instead of a partner, or they might prefer being single over being unhappily coupled. In any case, they are not remaining single while waiting for someone to come along.

"Being single comes with many perks. When we’re alone, there’s a strength and resourcefulness that is almost required to be present," Dr. Niloo Dardashti, told Perspective Living recently. "And it’s important to remember that it doesn’t necessarily mean that one can’t nail down a partner. But that it may, in fact, mean that one does not want to settle."

She continued: "I think in the past we did not have this luxury, given all of the expectations around us. I think today people are being encouraged to be authentic. To be with a partner that they feel satisfied with. Rather than someone who is good enough. We have come to see being single as not a negative thing. We may have seen it as not based on a choice in the past, we now realise that for many people it definitely is."

Or, as Nicola Slawson put it in The Guardian: "All you need, in fact, is self-belief....I don't see the point in apologising for existing as a single woman [editor: or any gender] or sitting around feeling like I am waiting for my life to start. I just want to get out there and live it."

"I think in the past we did not have this luxury, given all of the expectations around us. I think today people are being encouraged to be authentic."

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Singletons Worldwide: Nothing New?

2014: A Pew Research Center report stated that by age 50, about one in four young US adults will have been single all their life.

2017: The United Status Sensus estimated 45.2% of U.S. residents aged 18 and older were unmarried.

1986-2016: The Australia Insitute of Families reported single-person households increased from 19% to 24%.

2017: The UK Office for National Statistics noted that marriage rates for opposite-sex couples in England and Wales were the lowest on record.

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