Being Single: Lonely Interlude, or New Life Story?

Music, movies, and conversations often suggest that having a life partner is better than being single, with science supporting the health and other benefits. However, is being single just about waiting for the right person, or can it be a fulfilling, lasting lifestyle choice? Is it time for a new narrative?

Into the sunset: "Swans stay together for life" – that is the message often cited when people speak about the benefits of a relationship. (image FvI)

In the Dutch language, the word for being single is ''alleenstaand'', which losely translates to ''standing alone", and it sounds kind of sad. You could say that the English expression ''left on the shelf" is not much better. From the belief that marriage leads to better health, to the view that being single is a miserable situation to be avoided at any cost, the idea that finding a life partner is the path we're destined to follow is subtly present everywhere. No matter how progressive we consider ourselves, most of us only feel truly fulfilled only once we have that partner. And until we do, we tend to feel a bit of a failure.

One writer referred to such perspectives on choosing a life partner as "common cultural scripts" in The Cut. The writer noted, "Social science has reinforced [these scripts] by telling us over and over that getting married does, in fact, bring various benefits to one's level of happiness and life satisfaction. Marriage is good for you; we hear over and over and over."

Bella DePaulo, a social scientist with a PhD from Harvard, also discussed the "mythology of marriage" on CNN. She described it as a phenomenon that has been "bolstered by the writings of social scientists" for a long time.

"Marriage is good for you; we hear over and over and over."

Life Partner Or Single?

Being in a relationship offers clear advantages. Nevertheless, some argue that viewing being single as inherently negative is overly simplistic.

Take the author Eric Klinenberg of Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. When he spoke with Smithsonian magazine, he reflected that during his book research he found that "Only a small number of people who are living alone say they are actually isolated or lonely," and that this only formed a narrow part of the whole story. He also said: "Many people living on their own have richer lives than other adults. Living alone can help foster a kind of restorative solitude, a solitude that can be productive."

In an interview with Time Magazine, Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a relationship and workplace psychologist based in New York, pointed out that her own work also highlights potential downsides of a relationship—such as an over-reliance on one's partner that leaves us less resilient, and she said: "We tend to sometimes rely on our partners for a lot more than what we need to."

The idea that being single can strengthen us was also discussed by an author in a piece published on Oprah Daily. Reflecting the Surprising Benefits of Being Single, she wrote: "When you're not legally bound to another person, you have the freedom to learn. You can grow and explore without the guilt of spending time on self-care." She added: "Many people fall into the trap of listening to what society or others think is best for them, rather than listening to themselves when it comes to making this choice."

"Many people fall into the trap of listening to what society or others think is best for them, rather than listening to themselves when it comes to making this choice."

More and more people are loving the peace and quiet of being single, no matter what stereotypes say about it (Image Wix)

Ok But What About the Science?

There are tons of scientific claims showing the perks of being in a long-term relationship or marriage. Still, some experts have looked at the topic from different or broader angles.

Take Paul Dolan, a Behavioural Scientist from the London School of Economics. When he was researching for his book Happy Ever After: Escaping the Myths of the Perfect Life, he uncovered new insights. When discussing these with the New York Post, he humorously noted that, for example, when he analysed data from the American Time Use Survey, he found that although "married people said they were happier overall..." this was only stated "when their partner was within earshot."

He also highlighted that current evidence shows never-married women are among the healthiest and happiest, challenging the long-held belief that marriage is beneficial.

"Although the narrative is that single people are miserable, there is evidence to the contrary," Dolan also told Perspective Living recently. "This includes that single women live longer. And that never-married women have, by definition, not experienced any unhappiness from marital divorce or separation during their lifetimes."

"Although the narrative is that single people are miserable, there is evidence to the contrary"

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies?

In the earlier mentioned article from The Cut, the author noted that when a group of Americans was questioned about the primary distinction between single and married individuals, they frequently responded that singles are "a little lonelier, a little sadder," and "somewhat lacking in life purpose and fulfillment." Is it possible that the message we repeatedly tell ourselves has turned into a self-fulfilling reality? One study which looked at that, Stereotypes of singles: Are Singles What We Think? found that perceptions of singles often don't match reality, concluding that single stereotypes are largely inaccurate.

Left On the Shelf

People often say that single stereotypes hit women the hardest. Even though being single and without children can benefit women in lots of ways, and women now have more financial independence, as Dolan mentioned to The Guardian, the pressure from society to see marriage and kids as the ultimate success can leave some single women feeling down.

"Despite the fact that never getting married may be better for women overall, there are still stigmas associated with never tying the knot," Dolan explained. "You see a single woman of 40," he continued, "who has never had children — ‘Bless, that’s a shame, isn’t it? Maybe one day you’ll meet the right guy and that’ll change.’"

Nicola Slawson, a UK journalist, has expressed similar frustration with The Guardian. She reflected that media content for women often carries a negative or even condescending tone, focussing on "what to do with your partner, or how to get a partner if you don't have one."

Finding the message outdated, she launched The Single Supplement, a newsletter initially for single women, now focussed on building an empowered community of like-minded singles.

"Despite the fact that never getting married may be better for women overall, there are still stigmas associated with never tying the knot."

I'm Just Not That Into You

Living alone can be beneficial for some people and less so for others, but for many, it is a conscious lifestyle choice that they embrace. One thing is sure, being single is no longer considered uncommon today. As noted in an article by Smithsonian, "one of the most unprecedented trends of modern society is the number of people who choose to live alone."

"Single people are getting harder and harder to ignore," asserted the author of The Cut. She further reflected, "people, on the whole, seem less into marriage than they used to be. At a time when it's easier than ever before to learn about the purported benefits of getting married…more and more people are building solo lives for themselves that would have been viewed as wildly unorthodox in the fairly recent past."

In 2019, DePaulo similarly pointed out in an article in Psychology Today: "All around the world, marriage is in decline and single living is on the rise."

Of course, loneliness is never good, but do we have to feel lonely when we're doing life alone? As an author of The Guardian noted, there are an "increasing number of single-positive" people who are "rejecting the notion that true love is the only path to happiness."

"Single people are getting harder and harder to ignore. More and more people are building solo lives for themselves that would have been viewed as wildly unorthodox in the fairly recent past."

Into The Sunset

So, it seems that despite negative stereotypes, more individuals are choosing to stay single. They may discuss issues with friends instead of partners or prefer being single over an unhappy relationship, without waiting for someone to come along.

"Being single comes with many perks. When we’re alone, there’s a strength and resourcefulness that is almost required to be present," Dr. Niloo Dardashti told Perspective Living recently. "And it’s important to remember that it doesn’t necessarily mean that one can’t nail down a partner. But that it may, in fact, mean that one does not want to settle."

Exploring the evolving perspectives on being single, she continued: "I think in the past we did not have this luxury, given all of the expectations around us. I think today people are being encouraged to be authentic. To be with a partner that they feel satisfied with. Rather than someone who is "good enough." We have come to see being single as not a negative thing. We may have seen it as not based on a choice in the past; we now realise that for many people it definitely is."

Or, as Nicola Slawson put it in The Guardian: "All you need, in fact, is self-belief....I don't see the point in apologising for existing as a single woman [editor: or any gender] or sitting around feeling like I am waiting for my life to start. I just want to get out there and live it."

"I think in the past we did not have this luxury, given all of the expectations around us. I think today people are being encouraged to be authentic."

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Worldwide Singletons: Transformations

We leave you with a few samples of interesting statements reflecting the changes in the numbers of single people around the Western world:

More than a quarter of all households have one person. Share of one-person households more than tripled from 1940 to 2020 (United States Census Bureau)

Records in America indicate that many Americans are choosing not to get married. This change seems to be linked to shifts in personal values, the economy, and how gender roles are viewed. By the age of 50, about one in four young US adults will have been single all their life (Pew Research).

Percentage of households with one occupant: Sweden 47%, Germany 39%. What started as a European and then Western phenomena has now become a global demographic trend (Almost History Podcast).

In Australia, households are getting smaller. In 1911, the average number of people per household was 4.5. By 2016, that number had fallen to 2.6 (Australian Institute of Family Studies).

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